Saturday, 6 March 2010

Avid Social (net)Worker seeks a means to an end

So tweets, blogs and facebook don't pay the bills (...i'm working on it) and my Blackberry, cocktails and my unique skill of breaking and losing anything of value weighs heavy on my purse. Therefore, I have made the executive decision to get a job. My usual prancing around on a stage/trying to convince disadvantaged pre-teens that jazz hands are cooler than setting stray cats alight won't suffice. This has to be a 9-5, mind numbing, "knowledge of Microsoft Office required", Knickers with a full arse job.

I'm so excited I just bit a hole in my own wait that's all the Crack i'm on to numb the recently estalished agonising dullness of my life. I'm only joking i'm not really on Crack. It's Coccaine. No seriously i'm messing, no one does Coke anymore it's Mieow.

Something I've discovered from this endevour is, there are about 800,000 job sites advertising between them about 12 jobs. This essentially means; even though these applications are so easy that if I butted my laptop 10 times I would successfully make at least one application to some awful admin job, I still have to concentrate like a Dyspraxtic kid playing with a Swing Ball incase I accidentally apply more than once for the same position. This is good because i've been too focused to get distracted and type, 'tragic bungee accident' into Google images. However, it is bad because it still hasn't stopped me from making mistakes. I signed off one of my covering letters; "I hope you will consider me for interview and I look forward to your single ladies". (I play music videos in my head constantly. It's a bit like when you used to do your homework with MTV on in the background except every person in each video is me). So now, some body somewhere things i'm a socially inept predatory lesbien when in fact i'm not a lesbien at all.

To make matters worse I havn't received a reply from anyone, which is surprising considering my diverse range of skills and talents. One of which is being able to describe my ability to drink a litre of Sambuca in under an hour and moonwalk in heels as, "a diverse range skills and talents". I don't have a single grade in GCSE or A level that is lower than a B (which coinccidentally stands for Booyah-revision-is-for-cheats) AND i've got a fair bit of experience AND a CRB check. I'm an ideal fucking candidate for most jobs and more importantly I have an addiction so it's inhuman to allow me to stay skint. Here's a picture of me with my most recent hit (my usual dealers Viv and Kurt were out of my price range this month).

Don't do anyone I wouldn't do,

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