If Facebook had a face, I would glass it

Dearest readers,

It will come as surprise to you to learn that despite my usual calm and well-adjusted demeanor, I do occasionally get somewhat irritated. Let it be known that these instances of aggravation are few and far between. I in fact, spend most of my time in perfect harmony with the universe and all its blessed inhabitants, as is evident in my previous posts.

If you are nodding in agreement with me, please read the rest of my blog and stop trying to blag your way through life. You lazy little fuck. For everyone else who recognised the irony, congratulations! You may proceed to level 2...

Today, (and if i'm being honest, everyday) I've been irked by that imaginary empire of "acceptable" lies we call Facebook. I know this topic has been done to death but I honestly don't think anyone has threatened to glass a website's metaphorical face in...so I shall continue.

 To me, Facebook is like that really annoying friend that you fucking hate. You keep her around because, due to her being a personalityless creep she knows everyone's business. At the same time you can't even abuse her, or turn her into your henchman because one of those people, whose business she knows is you...and you just can't be arsed with the scandal...or in my case the prison sentence. (I'm joking...when joking means being deadly serious).

So, from that angle yes, I keep Facebook to keep up to date with other people's lives and occasionally get to see a scandal breaking in real time (remember Shannon O'Brien? for me, that was better than the final episode of Lost). However, I still really hate how much I reveal about my life and how much ammunition I give other people to critique it.

For example:


7.30pm "Can't wait to see the girls tonight, dinner and cocktails <3" 
9pm"teehee couple sneaky tequilas on a school night" 
11.15pm"HAHAHAHAHA GOT KCIKD OUT FOR SETTING OFF THE FIRE ALARMS! I TOLD YOU THE ROOF WOZ ON FIRE!!11" 
1am"eatin sum chips, on a wall, the niyhts no over til i sez it is" 
3.30am"wehnahwasyung, ahnevaneededanyone. makinluvwasjustafun, thosedayzrgon" 
5am"WHEEND YOUD ONT TEXT BACK ITMAKS ME CUT MISELF!111U NOW HOO YOU ARR!"
3pm"Apologies to anybody who received messages off me last night..."


(N.B. This is not an accurate representation of my behaviour. I don't cut myself when somebody ignores my messages...I cut them)

At least I can hold my head up high and declare that, despite being an embarrassment some of the time often, I am pretty honest and what I put on Facebook is an accurate reflection of myself and my life.

However,

There are many others, Facefucks let's call them, who like to portray a somewhat dishonest version of themselves into cyber space.

To those people, let me just say this:

1. Those pictures you just uploaded to show your incredibly exciting and amazing night would be more convincing if you weren't uploading them during your incredibly exciting and amazing night.

2. Keeping every piece of designer packaging that has ever crossed the threshold of your family home and snidely piling it in one place, so it coincidentally ends up in the background of all your photos, does not make you look rich, it makes you look like a hoarder...who wants people to think she's rich.

3. Stop checking yourself into China White with your iPhone. You've left your location settings on and I can clearly see you're near Skegness.

4. You do not look like that in real life, and as soon as the rest of us bother to download Photoshop we too will all  look like we've just come back from a holiday... at a spa...on the Sun.

5. You're not an artist because you took a picture of a sparrow pecking a used condom on Instagram.

If the above doesn't remind you of anyone, then i'm afraid to say you're in fact a Facefuck.

Anyway, fully aware that i'm oiling the machine I wish was destroyed i'll stop here.

Keep it real, 

Facefucking leads to Twittertwatting.

T.M.P

xx