Following my love of David O'Doherty and his "Beefs 2010", here's a succinct insight into some of the things that recently have irked me something rotten:
Most women's magazines
I don't give a shit what flavour chapstick Gwenyth Paltrow wears and I don't need some journalist, who's probably a virgin, to advise me on "Sex Positions That Will Drive Him Wild". I also have no interest in using a flow chart of questions to find out whether I am a "Summer Sensation" or a "Winter Wonder" and, if you don't stop trying to convince me that kitten heels are the next big thing i'm going to send Anthrax to your mail room. I do however have plenty of time for, "My Dad And My Brother Ate My First Born But I Stand By Them" and "I'm Campaigning For The Right To Marry A Dolphin"- keep those, they're great!
Low fat/low cholesterol butter
You know what you should do if you have high cholesterol and you're overweight? Stop eating fucking butter!
Women, shopping alone on Saturday afternoon with the world's most enormous pram.
So you got knocked up, well done! Now, why am I expected to look all apologetic and kind when I can't get past that frigging spaceship you're dragging your kid round in? It's the busiest shopping day of the week, and you're wedged between two rails in Topshop, like some kind of single mother sandwich when I have just one hour to find a dress for tonight. So, now in an attempt to reach the changing rooms, i'm playing some backwards version of human Pacman where I don't get any of the glory if I eat you, your offspring or pieces of fruit I find on the floor...i'm definitely playing Pacman when I've finished typing this.
Overly specific crack fiends
"Excuse me love, do you have 43p for the bus please. I left my wallet in my jacket, which I left at the job interview I went to at Goldman Sachs and I have to get home for my son's 3rd birthday". Firstly, I can clearly see that you're wearing a jacket. Secondly, why open with bizarrely specific amount? Like it's more believable if you ask for a sum that could never possibly amount to a fare to anywhere. If you're going to lie at least make it a good one... "Excuse me Miss, do you have 3 Dubloons for the ferry please. My money clip was sucked in to another dimension when I accidentally divided Pi by the colour yellow. I'm in a hurry to get back to 1684 because I've left my unicorn tied to a war memorial and he keeps texting me saying he's confused about his sexuality"...here is my PIN number sir.
People who chew loudly in any circumstance, ever.
All joking aside, if anything drives me to a murderous rampage this will be it. Fuck you. Fuck your manners and fuck that apple you're eating.
Whenever I leave Liverpool and dickheads say something to the effect of, "Haha, i'll have to check if I've still got my wallet"
You have, but I've just stolen your watch to punish you for being a racist.
When I ring someone and they don't answer then I receive a text saying, "Can't answer, sat in with my boyfriend" OR "Can't answer, on a bus" OR "sorry, watching Desperate Housewives."
So, you couldn't spare the seconds to say those words, but you could type them? For all you know, I could be in a ditch somewhere, gasping for air after an attempt had been made on my life. As I lie there bloodied and violated you're the first and only person I think of and call before my lungs fill with blood and I roll over and die. SO THANK YOU, NOW I'M DEAD BECAUSE YOU'RE A BORING BASTARD WHO WHO CAN'T DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FOR JUST 5 SECONDS TO SAVE MY LIFE, THANKS FOR THAT...I HATE YOU
The Korean woman who does my nails
True, I don't speak fluent Korean (yet) but when you're pointing in my face and laughing to your embarrassed looking son I can tell you're a cunt. Also, that chair you make me sit in is more "Guantanamo detainee" than "massage". If I wanted to get punched repeatedly in the back of the head I'd burn my boyfriend's dinner.
So, that's it. 8 things that make me want to stab myself in the neck with a fork. I'd like to point out that I'm not angry ALL of the time, so to end on a positive note, look at this stupid bastard....
Most women's magazines
I don't give a shit what flavour chapstick Gwenyth Paltrow wears and I don't need some journalist, who's probably a virgin, to advise me on "Sex Positions That Will Drive Him Wild". I also have no interest in using a flow chart of questions to find out whether I am a "Summer Sensation" or a "Winter Wonder" and, if you don't stop trying to convince me that kitten heels are the next big thing i'm going to send Anthrax to your mail room. I do however have plenty of time for, "My Dad And My Brother Ate My First Born But I Stand By Them" and "I'm Campaigning For The Right To Marry A Dolphin"- keep those, they're great!
Low fat/low cholesterol butter
You know what you should do if you have high cholesterol and you're overweight? Stop eating fucking butter!
Women, shopping alone on Saturday afternoon with the world's most enormous pram.
So you got knocked up, well done! Now, why am I expected to look all apologetic and kind when I can't get past that frigging spaceship you're dragging your kid round in? It's the busiest shopping day of the week, and you're wedged between two rails in Topshop, like some kind of single mother sandwich when I have just one hour to find a dress for tonight. So, now in an attempt to reach the changing rooms, i'm playing some backwards version of human Pacman where I don't get any of the glory if I eat you, your offspring or pieces of fruit I find on the floor...i'm definitely playing Pacman when I've finished typing this.
Overly specific crack fiends
"Excuse me love, do you have 43p for the bus please. I left my wallet in my jacket, which I left at the job interview I went to at Goldman Sachs and I have to get home for my son's 3rd birthday". Firstly, I can clearly see that you're wearing a jacket. Secondly, why open with bizarrely specific amount? Like it's more believable if you ask for a sum that could never possibly amount to a fare to anywhere. If you're going to lie at least make it a good one... "Excuse me Miss, do you have 3 Dubloons for the ferry please. My money clip was sucked in to another dimension when I accidentally divided Pi by the colour yellow. I'm in a hurry to get back to 1684 because I've left my unicorn tied to a war memorial and he keeps texting me saying he's confused about his sexuality"...here is my PIN number sir.
People who chew loudly in any circumstance, ever.
All joking aside, if anything drives me to a murderous rampage this will be it. Fuck you. Fuck your manners and fuck that apple you're eating.
Whenever I leave Liverpool and dickheads say something to the effect of, "Haha, i'll have to check if I've still got my wallet"
You have, but I've just stolen your watch to punish you for being a racist.
When I ring someone and they don't answer then I receive a text saying, "Can't answer, sat in with my boyfriend" OR "Can't answer, on a bus" OR "sorry, watching Desperate Housewives."
So, you couldn't spare the seconds to say those words, but you could type them? For all you know, I could be in a ditch somewhere, gasping for air after an attempt had been made on my life. As I lie there bloodied and violated you're the first and only person I think of and call before my lungs fill with blood and I roll over and die. SO THANK YOU, NOW I'M DEAD BECAUSE YOU'RE A BORING BASTARD WHO WHO CAN'T DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FOR JUST 5 SECONDS TO SAVE MY LIFE, THANKS FOR THAT...I HATE YOU
The Korean woman who does my nails
True, I don't speak fluent Korean (yet) but when you're pointing in my face and laughing to your embarrassed looking son I can tell you're a cunt. Also, that chair you make me sit in is more "Guantanamo detainee" than "massage". If I wanted to get punched repeatedly in the back of the head I'd burn my boyfriend's dinner.
So, that's it. 8 things that make me want to stab myself in the neck with a fork. I'd like to point out that I'm not angry ALL of the time, so to end on a positive note, look at this stupid bastard....
It's an oldie but a goodie.
Play me off Schmitt
T.M.P
XOXO
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