Monday, 14 May 2012

The Geneva Convention doesn't mean shit.

"I am speaking to you from the Cabinet Room at 10, Downing Street my bedroom at a house in Loughborough.
It is with huge regret that I inform you my kingdom is at war.  
Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between Germany and Poland our enemy and ourselves, but Hitler they would not have it.
Myself and our ally (Imogen, my housemate)  are today, in fulfilment of our obligations. We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any country could do to establish peace. 
Now may God bless you all. May He defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail"

Let me explain...

About a week ago, some suspicious activity within my house suggested acts of illegal espionage were taking place. Eager to investigate the matter, I observed more closely and came to the conclusion that an invasion was imminent. 

I strategised an ambush on the enemy, which took place at approximately 1400 hours on 12.05.12. At present, there are no known plans for retaliation and the enemy has retreated.

There are no more ants in my house.

"But seriously, like loads of people get a couple of ants in their house, why are you talking about them as if they're some kind of threat to your safety?"


Yesterday, after noticing 4 ants in my house I decided to go to my bunker, retrieve a WMD and blast them back to the Stone Age (I got one of Imogen's flip flops and stood on them). Looking down at my genocide and laughing, I decided to leave their lifeless bloodied corpses as a warning to other spies and mercenaries, with the intention of cleaning them up later. Returning a couple of hours later, I discovered the bodies had gone.


These are the Ghurkas of the ant community. No ant gets left behind.

To be honest, although admirable, their commitment and organisation terrifies me. I'm half expecting them utilize their carpentry skills and ensnare me as they fly out of a giant wooden horse. 

I've since used a chemical weapon along the weakest points of my borders (I put talc by some holes, they hate talc, the soggy bastards). This has so far proved impenetrable. 

If my enemy retaliates, i'm going to make Hiroshima look like a fuckin sneeze.

If you don't hear from me soon, i'll probably be at the Hague on trial for war crimes.
Off to go and conscript some child soilders,
Anyone got Joseph Kony's number?


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