Saturday, 13 December 2014

Stress is the cousin of Botox, so let's just chill the fudge out.

Sup mother lickers,

The last few weeks have been  head-explodey-phone-buzzin-liquor-hittin-to-do-list-dreading carnage. A couple of hysterical episodes later, I'm back to my normal still-got-stuff-to-do-but-the-leprechauns-who-visit-while-I-sleep-will-take-care-of-it self.

At the moment, things are stressful for a number of reasons mainly, because I'm coming to the end of my degree and a lot of work has to be completed (and by 'completed' I mean, 'started') and secondly, because I'm applying for jobs (see earlier blog post). With this in mind, I would like to reflect back on my time in this God forsaken hell hole at Loughborough and tell you all...

Things you should know about Loughborough

1) Slang doesn't always translate
In Liverpool, the word 'steaming' means sexually aroused. In the East Midlands, it means drunk. A few months into my time here, I discovered that the people of Leicestershire are not in fact wildly open about their sexual desires...they are however pissed a lot.

2) Tanflation
The further away you move from the Liverpool the colder and more expensive the sunbeds get. £7 to lie naked on plastic bench and feel as though I'm being breathed on by a sex criminal? No ta. I did that last night, and it was free.

3) The people of Loughborough are here against their will
This one took me a while to work out. I spent a lot of time wondering why people, particularly young people, would choose to live in Loughborough when it is so close to 3 other big cities. Then, my suitcase broke. Try and buy a suitcase in Loughborough. Just try. You'll find that there is a government conspiracy to keep captive the indigenous population of Loughborough. If you don't have a suitcase, you can't move house. Conundrum solved.

4) In Loughborough, there is such a thing as being "too dressed up"
The best way to combat this is to treat your heels like an albino kid you're ashamed of: they're only allowed out when it's dark. Wear anything other than jeans or a tracksuit during the day in this town and run the risk of being eyed suspiciously and asked through pursed lips, "Where've you been?" Unless you can blag that you've just attended the annual rugby/lacross/waterpolo/shaolin monk/Jack Wills appreciation ball, you will not have an acceptable answer to this question. Best to just mutter 'no where' then tell them where they can buy a discount tiger print onesie for tonight's 'Be a Tiger for a Fiver' rave... or whatever the theme is that night.

5)There is a 6:1 ratio of men to women
Last time a gender ratio was that unbalanced was after the fall of communism in Eastern Europe. I'm literally in the process of designing the web pop-ups for my mail order husband business. "HOT HOT HOT Young English Muscle Men Waiting To Treat You Like a Fucking Princess." Need to get the contact details of some middle aged women in Russia and Thailand too. KERCHING!

6) Alcohol is cheap!
Seriously cheap. It's a dangerous formula to mix cheap booze with dull surroundings, the temptation is to drink until everyone around you becomes tolerable. Of course, this only ever results in cripplingly embarrassing behaviour. The best way to combat this is to treat yourself like a closeted homosexual in an unhappy marriage...only come out once a week, under 4 inches of tranny make up that disguises you beyond all recognition...and of course wear arseless chaps...that goes without saying.

Never go to a campus uni 

The Mink Panther.


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