Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Why Graduate Applications Make the Baby Jesus Cry

Morning bitches and man-bitches!

As a finalist university student with an ambitious nature and a love of all things material, I have recently been dancing the graduate scheme applications jig. I approached the task of entering a graduate scheme with enthusiasm and hope but have unfortunately found myself  retreating terrified, rejected and exploited.

 However, if I can't make it into one of the Big 4 I hope one of you can. Therefore, to prepare you and to accurately illustrate my experience, I have crafted my very own graduate scheme application for you to complete!

Please find a quiet space where you will not be disturbed ( any more than you already are) and begin the first step towards a long and prosperous future with TYPICO Ltd.

TYPICO Ltd the corporate business corporation company! 

Who Are We?

TYPICO Ltd is a corporate business corporation company specialising in business, finance and corporateness. We meet the needs of some of the world's most corporate providers of business in the world of enterprise. We operate in 143 countries, reaching out to hundreds of thousands of enterprises with corporate solutions to various business problems.

The Benefits

TYPICO Ltd graduate scheme offers a number of excellent benefits and bonuses these include but are not limited to:

  • Excellent remuneration package (salaries between 17-160k)
  • Opportunities to travel (we have offices in New York, Maldives, Hawaii, Hong Kong, Bahamas, Skegness, Doncaster, Beirut, Downtown Bazra)
  • Immediate responsibility. From day one you will be propelled up the corporate ladder, with most graduates reaching a managerial position within 1-7 years
  • After 2 years you and your family will be entitled to full free health and dental, after 5 years you will become immortal.
  • Most graduates find that they can literally piss glitter and champagne within just 2 years!!!

Roles within the TYPICO Ltd family

Philangy Invigilator
Invigilating the philangys is a vital role in any business. You must be confident and reliable with a willingness to learn. You don't have to know everything about about Philangys to be a philangy invigilator, though a keen interest helps.

Corporate company finance business manager
To manage the business of corporate company finances you must be numerate and able to prove so in a simple numerical reasoning test *see below*. We accept candidates from any degree disciplines, though students with Masters in Economics and Finance are favoured. You must be able to work either in a team or alone and have basic communication skills. Those who cannot demonstrate any ability to interact with others or work need not apply.

Dufflebumper tax associate
Must have some experience in dufflebumping though TYPICO Ltd will cover the cost of any official dufflebumping qualifications. 

What to expect in our application process:

Here's an example of a few questions from a previous year's competancy test. Answer clearly and honestly with the company's competencies in mind.

1) Describe a time when a large winged bird of prey wanted to commit an act of terrorism and you, with the help of several compatriots came to a safe and diplomatic resolution. What did you learn from this experience?
2) Describe several examples of when you have saved an orphan on Christmas Day through the medium of song or interpretive dance. If you have never saved an orphan on Christmas Day through the medium of song or interpretative dance, you may refer to times when you have aided a puppy or a small woodland creature with  a tasteful nude drawing or a tune played with a tin whistle on any major religious holiday. What did you learn from these experiences?
3) In no more than 18 but no less than 15.5 words sum up all the work experience you have ever under taken in your life. 
4) In no more than 6000 words describe why you would be right for this job
5) in no more than 6000 words describe why you would not be wrong for this job
6) List in full every grade you have ever been awarded in any area of education or your life in general. Include pub quizzes, primary school spelling tests, compliments or criticisms given by family friends and neighbours dead and alive, Angry Birds and Temple Run scores and the exact time it took you to finish each Twilight book. Please be prepared to provide evidence of all achievements.

What's Next?

Should you be successful following the application questionnaire  you will be required to sit a basic numerical reasoning test. Below is a practice example. You will be allowed a pen and paper and a calculator. (However, you may also wish to have the following to hand: a set of scales, an Atlas, a copy of 'Accounting and Finance for Dummies', between 1-5 tabs of Ritalin, a pocket dictionary, Google translate and access to all the financial accounts of the FTSE 100 from the last five years.)

1) Hassan has 8 apples and is travelling on a train between London and Glasgow at 70mph

He creates a geometric shape with apples on his train table. The train stops at 4 destinations and the woman with the trolley is called Joan. 

Considering that Hassan has a meeting at 12pm and the train has 4 carriages, how many points should we give to Gryffindor? 
B) stockholme  
C) cannot say 
D) Joan 

2) Take a look at the graph below.

If the value of Handsets and washing machines in the fifth week of March was increased by 14% and the value of just washing machines was decreased in the third week of March by just 2%, suggest approximately what the profit margins of the first week of June 2012 will be if inflation is fixed at 3.8%.

Unfortunately, I have to stop the graduate scheme application here because this is as far as I've fucking got. Yeah that's right, about 18 hours and 2 rejections later I'm back at square bastard one. 

I may have failed the numerical reasoning test, 
but I got 100% on the 'spell boobies on your calculator' test. 
If anyone needs me, I'll be signing on.

No comments:

Post a Comment