Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Best take my top off and dance sexy in the rain because THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS

OKAY, so Usher Raymond cheated on Chilli from TLC and got another woman pregnant and Kel (of 'Keanan and Kel') put the screw in the tuna. We all have confessions to make, here are 15 of mine:

1. Dear Imogen, Since moving to uni and moving in with you nearly 2 years ago, I have never once bought hair bobbles.

2. When I was eight years old, I hatched a dastardly, multi-dimensional plan to convince my mother that our new house was haunted because I hated my new school. Ma, it was me who was hiding under your bed stroking you feet in the night...not the sexy ghost.

3. The only reason I want kids is to give them ludicrous names/ dress them in hilarious outfits/ turn them into Youtube sensations. Charlie might have bitten your finger but Django Burke will disco slap your face clean off.  

4. I convinced my best friend in Junior school that sausages were pig penises.

5. I set my uni house on fire three times in one week, in several unfortunate toast-making incidents.

6. I set my bedroom carpet on fire accidentally, using only a mirror and the sun.

7. I once stabbed myself in the face with a knife trying to eat a piece of cheese.

8. I once accidentally glassed myself in the face when I was drunk. Big shout out to all who held my hair back and carried my comatose bloody body to bed...that weekend.

9. I know how to shuffle cards, pick locks, and hot wire a car because I have Googled it. am a top scouser.

11. I once called my boss and said I couldn't come into work because i'd been arrested, I hadn't been arrested, I was just drunk.

12. I once told my mum that the reason my hand was cut and swollen was because i'd fallen on it...in actual fact I had gotten into a karaoke bar fight. Bitches get stitches.

13. I didn't vote in the general election because I was too drunk to find my way to the polling station.

15. I did vote in my local election...for UKIP (If you understand our electoral system you'll know that this was a protest vote. If you don't...well to you, I'm just a big racist...you ignorant honkie)

15. I once missed an interview for a really good job because I was dancing to Beyonce in my underwear for three hours. I have no regrets.

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well.

Good girls live to a ripe old age, then gradually decay into a slow pathetic menopausal pitt of nostalgic misery.

Big love!!!